The Deer & Lost Child

I spent my time playing the roll of a deer & a lost kid. The deer was a trouble maker to it's pack. A kid wandered into the woods one day & got lost. The group of deer found him, & had the trouble maker deer take him to find his parents. I spent my time as the deer taking the child back. I would sneak quietly through the trees making sure no hunters were around. I had to eventually make my way by a log cabin. There was a guy, & he had a rottweiler attatched to a leash. The dog was pointing, & barking cause he could smell me. The man was ignoring the dog cause he was on the phone. I was hiding behind a four-wheeler until it was safe to move. The man walked up & was super close to me. The dog sniffed around until we locked eyes. The dog nearly dropped his jaw. I sprinted as fast as I could into the forest & didn't stop. Eventually a car saw us on the road, & pulled over. They took me & the boy into the car. This is where I switched over to the boy, although now I was a girl. I was older now, & petting the deer to thank him. I then ended up going shopping with the people. I was in search of grout in the store so I could make mosaics, but I couldn't find any. The store was huge, & had mostly Disney pushies, & items for sale.

Psychotic James

FIRST DREAM: Sarah from college had me try this hot sauce from Afghanistan with burritos, & it was amazing. I was hanging out with different girlfriends, watching movies & eating food.

SECOND DREAM: All four of us were living together: Becca, James, Matt, & I. I had forgotten about the pet snake we had, it had been a month since I fed or watered him, so it was time to take care of him. I took him out of the cage & he plopped out of my hands & slithered under the bed. I was finally able to get him & put him back. Next thing I know I see Matt & his friends come up behind me. I could hear his friends in the back saying, "Go on tell her!". I was thinking ummm, what is all this about? He said, "Hey, do you want to go for a walk, I want to talk to you." I said sure, & quickly slipped some of Becca's shoes on that were slightly uncomfortable. I walked outside & waited, but he was taking forever. I opened the door back open & he was still standing there. His friends: "Go on don't be a pussy!". He looked at me & said, "I don't deserve a girl like you." So I figured he was about to tell me that he liked me, but then James stumbled around the corner. He was drunk, & was very demanding on what was going on. Matt walked him back to our room, & tried to put him to sleep. When he came back out & was ready to walk, I decided to put some real boots on. I ended up taking too long to get ready, & I woke up from the dream.

DREAM THREE: Well, I was still curious about what Matt was going to tell me in my dream, so I went back to sleep with that in mind. It didn't go so well. James was furious & was going on a killing spree. He said if I liked Matt he'd kill me. He said that in order to prove that I didn't I needed to come kill with him. So we talked a bunch of creatures into coming on a walk with us, & he was going to set up a trap for them. I just went along with it, but had intentions for saving the creatures. I was able to remove one of the traps, but I didn't catch the other. A sharp blade fell down from the ceiling & stabbed a cute talking bunny. I instantly pulled the blade from his tummy & picked him up. He was drowsy when talking, & I told him to just stay with me. I wrapped tissue & tape around him to try to stop the bleeding. James questioned what I was doing, so I made up an excuse that I was prolonging the suffering. I laid him back down, & blood starting seeping from his mouth. He was dead. I was crying, & wanted to start back at the beginning. I was able to reset my dream back to when we were in the house when James was questioning me. I told him that I thought Matt liked me. He grabbed a knife. And I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom. Matt was sitting in the bathtub on his phone [but with clothes on]. I was sobbing & told him that James had a knife & wanted to kill me. I sat by the door waiting for him to find me. I heard a knock, & there he was. Except he sounded a little more calm. "I just want to talk." He said. "I don't have a knife." I opened the door & he came in. I explained to him that I liked being around Matt because he wasn't mean to me like James, & I didn't like how James could be mean. He wrapped his arms around me, & was thankful that I told the truth. He said he'd work on it. We walked outside to see my mom standing behind a table. She ended up yelling at James to be nicer to me, & I told him that if something didn't change then I would be leaving.

The Little Girl Inside

Me & James decided to go back to school, although we ended up going back to my high school in Glenns Ferry. I realized it was pointless for me since I had graduated high school, but dropped out of college. So I would wander the hallways waiting for James to end class. At one point I was sitting on a bench & a little girl with blonde hair sat down next to me. She only looked about 7 years old, but was acting 17. She was slouched & all depressed. "All I need is a good man in my life!" She said. & I'm thinking, what the fuck kid you're only seven? "All I need is a boyfriend." She said again. [I'm shocked at this point because I realize this little girl is me...] I looked at her & told her, "Honey, you don't need a man, you're so young, you have plenty of years to go! In fact, I'm 20 & I already wish to be single again." She brightened up, and smiled, "You're right, I don't need a man!". After talking to the girl I wandered back down the hallway to find James. He was in a class with my leader, Becca, from trail crew. They started hanging out a lot more, & I got incredibly jealous. All three of us would hang out, & I would hover around feeling unwelcomed or like I was being an annoyance. [I am quite sure I have social anxiety, & one of my biggest fears is being left out or becoming an annoyance to someone... especially people I love.] Next thing I knew, Trump was living with us & was trying to explain how he was going to make America great again.

Royalty

Me & James were royalty & owned a castle like place. We were making sure our guests were having a good time. They were eating a ton of chips & cheese dip. I wanted to vaccum our room, but we never had time for ourselves, only the people. I was flying around on the top part of a plain, & lived in many different states.

Evil Politics / Dog Grooming

DREAM 1: Sam was in my dream with James & everyone. Politicians were fighting for president, if I didn't vote for a certain Republican canadate this guy was going to kill me. I tried performing this ritual or something... clamped this thing on my finger & ended up ripping the whole nail off.

DREAM 2: James & I were working at a doggy grooming place. James got yelled at by Will to work harder. While everyone was taking the ass chewing, I just started up my station & started washing dogs again.

How To Be Content?

DREAM 1: Fell asleep at 8p.m., it is now 12a.m. just got up & realized in my dream the entire time I was trying to get in contact with Noah from college on instagram. [woke up realizing that I already follow him on instagram] I'm not even sure why. I had also offended Becca & Kelly for calling my shot glasses small / little & content. Also, vaguely remember me and James sitting in a field with a big tree. I was struggling with becoming content and aware of the present. I was sitting by James & complaining, asking him what to do. He told me the answer was to smoke pot. I just started throwing a huge fit & was whinning how expensive it'd be, & how it hurts my throat. I think he's right, I just refuse to be happy.

DREAM 2: Me and James were driving around. I yelled at him for always driving past our house to Beacon St. Instead of turning on a quicker rode. [I think Beacon St. is actually a rode in Boise] We were parked at some boat docks, & we witnessed someone drive their truck straight into the water & sink. James freaked out & called 911. We watched as he escaped & swam to the surface. Suddenly a group of guys were surrounding him & asking him all sorts of questions. He said he blamed Bill O' Riley & was going to get him in trouble. All the guys seemed to like me. They were gathered around me touching me & talking to me. I just watched James walk off in the distance. One old man said to James, "Are you not worried about your girlfriend?" [Deep down I must be worried that James won't stick up & protect me]

DREAM 3: Volleyball! I was on a team & the coach was from my old team back in High School.

Hammett Reunion

The entire dream James & I were looking for a place to get it on. We tried to do it in a store & we tried to do it in my car, at one point we started but had to move on. We eventually came back to the house in Hammett again (being in Hammett is becoming a reacurring theme) It was night time, & a ton of people were outside hanging out. Jesse was stumbling around being an obnoxious drunk, while mom & the kids were just standing there. My ex's were both at my house too. Jacob & Tim. Jesse then called up Nick told him to come over & that I would pick him up. I texted him & he asked if it would be weird to come over since I'm with James. I told him it didn't really matter since my ex's were at the house too. We all just hung out and talked like everything was chill.

Where Are My Pills?

The entire dream was based around me needing to go to the hospital & to get a pill refill for my fractured collarbone. The hospital told me that if I stopped taking my pills that I would die. I was riding my bike on the freeway trying to pedal my heart out to my destination. I thought to myself, "I'm suppose to be taking it easy, so what the hell am I doing?". That wasn't strange enough for me, because I just went along with it. I ended up at an animal hospital since I remember petting animals inside the building. Next thing I knew, I was at an old dump. I was looking through some old man's dvds he was giving away. I watched people walk over & drop off their dead cat.  When they left, a wolf dog came running up and snatched it's hind leg to eat. There also was a very excited horse that kept playing with me, almost jumping up and stomping on me.

Politics / Kinky Bosses / Dinosaurs

DREAM 1: Spending time on the computer studying politics.

DREAM 2: [This is a little fucked up] Me and James meet his two bosses in their home (one is a female and the other is a male). They ended up being short with fucked up looking legs. The female was giving James a hand job, and the male was fingering me. He couldn't get me off, he told James to ground me from masturbation and that I had big hands.

DREAM 3: Driving in a car, going passed all kinds of ancient dinosaur fossils. But, the dinosaurs were preserved standing up. We were also driving through a vast canyon. I remember it was amazing!

DREAM 4: I am in some kind of class highlighting quotes in a book. I had actually read the quote in my mind too, but can't remember what it was. I finally started talking to some people. They knew me as the quiet girl.

Bong Bust

I am sitting in the back seat with Sam in the car. James, Matt, and Randy are all up front. We had gotten pulled over with a loaded bong. The officer caught us and demanded we step out of the vehicle. My door just stood open and we all sat there ignoring the shit out of him.

Lucid Goals

First of all, I need to practice staying calm when I reach awareness in my dream. Don't get excited. Just take a deep breath, or slowly spin around if you have too.

- Yes, I would love to have dream sex. Until I can achieve an orgasm in my dream I won't be satisfied with trying. Also, I'll be able to create my own fantasy.

- I want to connect with my spirit animal eventually and see if they can give me words of wisdom. Once I meet him/her/it I want to continually seek advice or spiritual growth from them.

- A big goal I have is to help my creative block, and to come up with wonderful new art ideas. Whether that be what my next painting will be, or the crafts I want to do.

Window Shopping

DREAM 1: I am in Hammett lying in my old childhood bed. I was suppose to be waiting for Cody to pick me up cause apparently we were dating. Once I realize that, I message him to tell him forget about it and that I am breaking up with him. After I clear that mess up, I walk into the kitchen to find mom, Jesse, Bailey, and Savannah. Grandpa and grandma had come inside too. It was dark and stormy outside, and I could overhear the family saying that my uncle Shaun and the kids weren't going to be able to make it. I walk back to my room and decide to go back to sleep.

DREAM 2: I am in a place surrounded by many crowds of people. Brian was there and following me around trying to get me to come check out his apartment with Gram. A guy is standing in front of us with a tray of hot chocolate and offers us a cup. We both take one, but when we take a sip we find out that it's alcohol. We both just look at each other and smile. I see a familiar German Shepard dog in my dream, and I tell him he is growing big. We pass many small stores along the way as we walk amongst the crowd. We walk by stores with stuffed animals, which I peer into the window wanting to go in. I stop inside one store that has pet supplies. I stare at the wall as I day dream about having my own animal. I knew I was soon to be getting a kitten or puppy.

- I need to start paying attention to dream signs within my dreams and look for recurring symbols. I also need to get into the habit of writing every morning even if I did not have a dream.

Survival Men

I can provide little snippets this morning, and that's about all:

- James and I drove by to look at a tiny house for rent, it was on a corner and surrounded by large houses in a subdivision. When we looked inside it was empty and had a small room with a kitchen, and some small stairs to a lifted bedroom area.

- I was walking though the forest and stumbled upon two very attractive men surviving in the wilderness. I stood with my mouth open because I was in heaven, and I wanted them to teach me. They had built a logging system so when logs were sliding and they'd get chopped. They were by the river and they were working on the edge of it. James had the option to join me, but chose the other side of the river.

- Watching over a bunch of kids. Took turns babysitting, and then becoming a kid.

Insecurity, Regret, & Jealousy

DREAM 1: James and I were at a rock-climbing shop, and he got in trouble for lighting up a joint. I remember snowboarding down large slopes.

 

Later on, I remember walking around in a back empty house. James and Matt had already left to go pick up their mom from the airport - from Puerto Rico. There was a girl they had invited over that was sitting on the couch on her phone. I didn't know who the fuck she was, but I was starting to feel uneasy. I started looking through James phone, he found messages to whom I was sure was this girl. I just tried to be nice and was like "Oh, I ate too much pizza...stuffed crust. So, I'm going up stairs to go lie down."

 

[I assume, get extremely jealous, and bottle negativity inside of me just to shrug it off and become passive aggressive. I am insecure that James will talk to other girls, yet I should trust in him and trust in his loyalty to me.]

 

DREAM 2:  I was going to college parties with James and friends. We broke into an unfinished dorm to hang out and party. I go to use the bathroom inside and there's construction all over the ground. The toilet wasn't even finished, which made it awkward to go to the bathroom. I come out, and there's two new girls and one guy that came in. One of the girls was smaller, the other two were cubby. The smaller girl started to draw attention to herself by shaking her ass in front of all the guys. She pulled her shorts up to her thighs so they could see her ass cheeks. I was baffled, and pointed to her saying, "What the fuck, why??". She proceeded to get on top of James and lap dance on him. Instead of doing something about it, I flipped my shit, ran outside and started bawling. "I can't do this, I can't do this." I started chanting to myself. James chased after me and asked what was wrong. I told him I couldn't handle shit like that and that it wouldn't be such a big deal if we were just friends, but since we were in a relationship, it definitely bothered me. [ Also, at some point I remembered the place in my dreams where I'd practice rock climbing. It was a small wall against a lot of workout equipment and I was able to spot out my favorite route.]

 

[I believe I have an irrational fear of James doing things with other girls, and I don't know why. He's never given me a reason not to trust him. He's with me 24/7 and he's loyal to me - so where is this fear coming from? I think I also miss rock-climbing... I should make it a point to go to the gym in Portland sometime.]

 

DREAM 3: Gram and Brian tried to open a doggy daycare, failed, then tried opening a cat daycare. Mom and Jesse had gotten back together cause she said Jason kicked and beat her, and Jose wasn't that great either. So her and Jesse tried opening the doggy daycare too. (Honestly mom and Jesse kept switching back and forth to gram and Brian - as if they were the same people). Mom made some ghetto signs, and I offered help being that I had worked at a doggy daycare before. They were even using Kennel Master. They had a few customers and made about $150 in the first hour. Gram and Brian were sitting outback with a picnic table frying up food and drinks. There was a girl hanging out just standing outback, everyone says hello to her as if they know who she is. I don't know her, or know her name, but I've see her before. She has dark brown or black short hair, or possibly it was tied back. She is small and skinny in figure with small breasts. She has a black shirt on with neon paint splatter, with short black spandex on. On her left arm there was a swirly red tribal tattoo.

 

Later on I go to the orthadontics, and all I wanted was my retainer out, but they had to make it so god damn difficult. That girl was there again... just standing off to the side. I was required to pass and take a test to continue on for them to work on my mouth. I freaked out and yelled "Why the fuck do I need to take a test? I could understand if it was schooling to become an Orthadontist." The girl in the back made a comment about me being a dropout... and I was like: "Yes, hello! I'm the dropout! Made it two years strong. Nice to meet you!" All sarcasticly. She kept a cool look on her face. Who is she?

 

[First off, I think I am regretting dropping out of college - even though I wasn't happy there. I miss the freedom and the friends I made there. I think the girl with black hair could represent my confidence. She is just watching my frustration with a cool lock on her face. How do I become her?]

Saving Crona

[I'm starting to remember three dreams at a time, but with the first one rather forgettable, and the second and third more clear - especially the third.]

 

DREAM 1: [Remembering that I had one... but forgot what it was about.]

 

DREAM 2: Me and James were for some reason signed up to go to church camp. I had just found out Dei'Ja and Savannah C. had become famous models while I was looking through a random magazine. Savannah C. acted in one of the Star Wars as an elf-like character. I rode a four-wheeler with the group to a camp-site waiting for someone to get back from the hospital?

 

DREAM 3: I was trapped in a series of unfortunate events. I also found myself trapped along with a large group of people. It was like the game, "Until Dawn", where I had to make a choice - and if it was the wrong one, someone would die. This could have been where my church camp dream left off from, and now we were all stuck in this twisted game. I don't know how the game started or began, but I do remember that I was under pressure not to mess up. The last obstacle I remember: There was a line of people behind me waiting, and we had to grab onto strongly duct-taped handles that dangled from the ceiling. If we held on too long they'd tear and we'd fall, making an error worth punishing. We had to swing across the ceiling one handle at a time to make it across. We were in a classroom-like setting; we were boxed into a small room, with a lady watching over us at the end. I ended up making it all the way across, and by that victory, everyone was saved. We were able to go to the next obstacle. Lastly, I find everyone stuck inside my old school's foyer and a group of people were stuck, struggling to walk on a merry-go-round like machine. There was a big black cop holding a club, watching our every move to make sure we didn't cheat at the game. I don't remember what I did but I messed up - I killed a random girl and I wasn't too sure who it was. So, in my mind I figured it was just a video game and that I could re-load and try again. So, I started just messing around before the re-load and accidently knocked another player off the merry-go-around. I was devastated to find out that that player was actually Crona, from Soul Eater. He had broke his arm and leg, and was now unable to walk. I freaked out and jumped to the bottom to save Crona. Everyone was yelling at me to forget about him, and continue playing, but I loved him. I scoped him up while he was holding his arm in pain. I told him I would fix this. I opened up the saves menu and tried to load a previous save, but I was sadly mistake. This wasn't a video game. I couldn't just go back. This was real. I had injured him, and I couldn't go back to make it better. I started sobbing on top of him, apologizing and telling him that I loved him. All of the players were shouting at me to forget about him and move on. I refused and insisted on saving him. Next thing I know the black cop comes charging at us and begins clubbing Crona to death. I am now furiously screaming, crying, and yelling. I kick him as hard as I can in the genitals and tackle his throat from the behind. I am on top his back now choking him with all of my strength. I was finally able to make the cop unconscious, so I grabbed Crona with what little life he had left, and ran back against the wall. Everyone was cornering us until all hell broke lose, there was an explosion behind us and fire was coming around us. I looked at one of my teammates and said, "I don't like where this is going.. I'm either going to wake up or take control of this." This is gonna sound a little gay, but, I then shouted out, "Lucid dreaming power!", [spun in a circle to keep myself from waking] and then said, "Silence!".  Everything began to get blurry and I could feel myself on the verge of waking up. All the sounds around me started to get muffled, by this point I can't remember if I woke into another dream or if I woke from sleep. But, before waking I flashed to a scene where a tall anime girl with wavy brown hair was holding a shorter anime boy with short blonde hair, kissing him.

INTERPRETATION:

I am more than sure that Crona is either a reflection of myself or James. But, I could be wrong, it could just be my undying love to a fictional character. I was careless with my actions which resulted in pain to my loved one, and to me. But, I gave my all to protect and save him, so it shows my loyalty towards the things I care about... whether that be the people I love or myself. Life isn't a video game, I can't go back and re-load a previous save. I must move delicately, carefully, and make good decisions. If not, I may end up hurting the one I love, which will in return, lead to my own suffering.

WW3!

DREAM 1: It was time to stand up & fight. WW3 was soon to be! It was all the people who understood the truth vs. The people who were brainwashed passed the point of saving; call them zombies if you will. Marijuana created peace, but the zombies knew it as evil. That was their own warped truth. I spent time out in nature contemplating how all of it even started.  
         
DREAM 2: James & Matt turned into Bevis & Butt-Head in my dream. We all ran around looking for icecream?  
                                      
DREAM 3: (which I remembered the best!) I had had a kid, and was back in Nampa visiting my grandparents. My kid was about 5 or 6, and I had neglected him for so long I didn't know how to take care of him. I was questioning whether or not I needed to give him breast milk to survive. So, obviously I'm not going to make a great mother or anything.

Mount Everest / Space Diving

So, last night I could say I got lazy... woke up fully remembering my dream but neglecting to write it down, I only remember bits of it now.

So the first dream I was solo hiking on top of a mountain, when I got close to the edge I couldn't see the ground and I was up in the sky. I guess it was the equivalent of Mount Everest. Their were strangers hiking behind me as well.

 The second dream I was on a team of people in outer space that planned on skydiving back down to Earth. I had my suit on and ready to go as I watched other jump out of the plane. I seem to almost always be in third person which is kind of strange.

Who has more dreams in third person, and more in first person?

I believe even in the small frame that I remembered these dreams, my subconscious self is looking for more adventure in daily life.

Missed Shift

So my idea last night before bed was to write "am I dreaming?" On my hand. Everytime I look down I will remind myself to do a reality check. Although it didn't work for last night's dream, I will continue to try it!

The first part of my dream I was on the phone catching up with a real old friend, Alejandra. I was really excited to talk to her. I believe my subconscious misses my old connections and is sad to have very little friends now. Especially, all my lost connections from college.

Second dream is kind of ironic because James told me last night I'd have a dream about my boss, and what do you know, my dream was at Pleasent Hill Kennels. I'm such a worry wort about missing my shift, I had to make up for it in my dream. So, I scrambled to my job in the p.m. looking to makeup for the a.m., and Aggie was there. It was 6:00 and I ran down to let the dogs out for their bathroom break and feed them. The kennels looked way different, and the groups to let out were in three different categories under someone's last name. I let the first group outside, and through the darkness I realized they had put in a beautiful waterfall fountain. After going back inside for the next group, all kinds of vets and vet techs were filling prescription for the animals. My manager and I let more dogs out but when we came to the door we were stopped by a dog barking, pulling at the end of it's leash. It looked like a shark mixed with a dog, and I had to go around because I figured it was going to bite me. Now that I've woken up, I shall draw this shark dog!

The Value Of Life

We were irritated at each other again, for whatever dumb reason this time, but it never really did matter. I sat in my chair, in silence & you had your legs crossed on the bed. You looked miserable & pouty, & you would not talk to me at all. Another friend was with us in the room, he looked quite awkward as well. The silence made everything uncomfortable, it always did. I immediately wanted to figure everything out after a fight, & make it better, but that wasn't always the case. My thoughts constantly clouded by a better tomorrow, & your lack of patience & temper hurt us the most. When I blinked my eyes I opened to find mself in third person starring into a tiny glass box which was a replica of our room. There we all were in the box just as we had been a second ago, but now I had stepped outside of myself & watched us from above. I became conciously aware of my own thoughts. I held the tiny glass box in my hands thinking, "Why are they so upset down there? They're so tiny. Their lives are so vulnerable. Why does any of this matter? They will soon be nonexistent, how do they not understand?"

My awareness didn't last too long & I was back to my same old self, sitting in the room with all my same old thoughts, in unwanted silence. You were done for good this time. You decided to drive me to the airport that night so I could fly back to Idaho.

In the car all I remember was that you were speeding, probably to the pace of your own anxiety if I was to guess, and I could see the frustration worn upon your face. I wanted so badly to tell you to slow down, but the thoughts just kept circling around my head; I couldn't speak. We were on the freeway in the blackness of the night with no intention of turning around. I didn't expect us to come to that corner soquickly, & I know it was just an accident. We flew off the rode and over a cliff. The seconds we were in the air felt like minutes flying by. You screamed out loud, "I fucked up!" , and I sunk back into my mind again. "Wow, this really is it, isn't it? It's all over." I blinked hard to force my eyes open and lay in amazement. I had a second chance.            

I will not take life for granted.

 

(After so many pointless arguments, my mind is growing weary and tired of the misery. We just need to by happy because life is too short, and we don't get to live this life over again. We could die today, so don't fight with your loved ones, forgive them.)

High Fallout Happiness

01/15/2016

This was not a dream, but rather an awakening or realization of how I am always wishing to "go back" to happy times; and how destructive that is to my mind. James and Matt had gone up to Hartford, and I decided to stay home and play my new game, Fallout. James had left a little flower on the desk that I proceeded to vape, and play my game. Flower really unlocks the potential of the mind, yet I can't consciously tell people, or maybe I'm too stubborn. In my game, I was at the part where I was exploring Kellogg's mind in search for information on my missing son, Shaun. It was almost like navigating through a dream state, but rather his old memories. Each scenario led me closer to the answer. What dropped my jaw were these two quotes stated by Kellogg in his mind:

"People always hoping for something better, they usually end up with something worse."

"The thing about happiness is, is you only know you had it and it's gone. I mean, you may think that you're happy, but you don't really believe it. You focus on the petty bullshit, or the next job, or whatever. It's only looking back by comparison with what comes after, that you really understand... that's what happiness felt like."

I replayed his quote several times until I jotted it down in my journal. This was it. This is what my mind has been suffering from. I find myself always wanting more, always wanting better, and forgetting how great my life is in the present. I then dwell in the past, and mourn for those happy times, yet realizing at those times I was unhappy and looking for more then too. So this becomes a vicious cycle of misery, unhappiness, and discontentment. I understand why James smokes, and I understand it's power of contentment, but for some reason I reject it thinking that there has to be something better than that. But, is there? I believe if I lived in a fancy mansion, and went on wicked adventures every other month I would still find something to be discontent about, and that's just how my silly brain works.

The Truth

11/14/2015

I had a dream this morning where I was trapped inside a small world, almost like a video game, where people were immortal & could learn "the truth". The more adventures taken in the world, the more of "the truth" you could learn. I found myself in this world unable to die & trapped with confusion.

I ventured around until I found a spastic white dog running around freely with her three puppies & a large table with a glowing light coming from it. I passed the mama dog & started crawling under the table. I came to a small tent with a very tiny girl in it, I was a giant compared to her. I woke her up & she explained to me what it meant to stay loyal to yourself. I closed my eyes & was able to see her dancing by a riverside with trees, & flowers. She was a loner, but was free & happy without any cares. She said the only loyalty that is true, is the loyalty you keep to yourself.

After meeting with the girl in the tent I was on my way to find the next place. I picked up a couple people along the way & they took me to this large oak brown door. It stood tall on a grassy hill with a large golden knob. We opened it & entered the building only to realize it was a trap. The door only opened to let us in, it was locked on the inside. We were surrounded by bookshelves, and random trinkets. There was a door on the inside I kept trying to open but the door would fall onto the ground & a new one would appear every time. We tried every window, & door but nothing worked. We searched through the books & random junk in the building but we still were stuck. After sitting for a while it hit me. I stood up and started pulling door after door off the wall. They would fall off & hit the floor with no result but I kept doing it. Although it seemed pointless to try I kept ripping doors down. After much persistence after pulling down so many doors, the main door unlocked & we were free. I had leaned the truth of never giving up. No matter how pointless, repetitive, or ridiculous it seemed I never gave up on my goal. Never give up!

Lastly I found myself spat back out into my dream world with many new places I could explore. I was immortal, & trapped within certain boundaries, but I felt content. I had no place else I rather be than in that moment in my dream... and then I woke up.

Black Goat Strikes Back / Seamonster Attack!

10/22/2015

That damn little black goat was in my dream again. He was following me along side a ditch, and I don't know why I have to invite him over. He's just so cute, and he walked next to me, and was awfully smelly.

Then I was stuck on this weird space aged cruise ship which was destroyed by a sea monster. Me and James were in the inside and creatures were coming in soon to attack. I wanted to have sex one last time before we died. We started to, but then James worried about my stitches. I gained a little bit of consciousness and told James it didn't matter because it was just a dream but he wasn't listening because I could only control myself. Then next thing I knew, Jess had found us in the room and came in. I forced myself to wake up because I didn't want to stay and die.

(I can't figure out if the black goat is a symbol of bad heath and death, if it's my friend, me, or possible my temptation to James.)

(I find it interesting that some of my dreams I can gain consciousness enough to know its a dream, yet not realizing I can control it.)

Appendicitis Surgery

10/18/2015

***DREAM UPDATE*** (The black goat and white rat I believe were signs or indicators of illness for sure now because of Sat. the 17th I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with an acute appendicitis, I went into surgery Sun. at 11a.m.)

(Here's two dreams I had while given morphine on Sat. night)

DREAM 1: I was at the ocean and I ran out onto these long docks to see dolphins swimming by. Other people across from me were looking at dolphins too. Next thing I know everyone is screaming that there's a shark! I see it and turn around to run back down the docks and they're cut off. I had to jump into the water and swim as fast as I could until the shark jumped onto land trying not to snap at me. I was able to get away and he instantly died with his mouth wide open. Several people walked out of his mouth and there was garbage in his mouth. I had a stick and was poking his insides.

DREAM 2: I was lost in my own dream hospital and was late for my surgery. I was running around like I was just fine too. I remember the nurse grinding me up some pot and having me smoke it. I had also made a naked juice marijuana smoothie. I was at my car in the parking lot (the Lumina actually) until I remembered that I was late. I ran into the hospital and in real life my room was 214, but in my dream it was 416 so I had to get in an elevator and ride it clear to the fourth floor. I was staying in an upscale room, there was carpet and nice tables with fancy lamps. I ran up to a guy at a computer. He was like "are you Alicia Combs?" and "you are late for your surgery!". Couldn't remember much after that, and I woke up around 7 a.m. obviously not late for my surgery... but just in time for some more morphine. Yay!

The Anxiety

10/16/2015

Me and James were living in Maine and had our own life going on. (looks like that dream came true). I owned two Italian greyhounds that were grey with white underbellies. They were in replacement of Rem and Ryuk. James was going to an appointment that day and I thought I was too, so I went with him. It was super snowy on the roads, we passed a gas station and saw a giant brown bear. I was freaking out, and James wasn't the slightest impressed. I then realized I had work that day and demanded James turn around and bring me home. He only drove me half way and started having a huge fit, which triggered him into an anxiety attack. He ran off and I started to chase him. I grabbed his shirt and it ripped. He then ran up a bridge and just jumped off. I ran up to look, he had hit rocks at the bottom and was knocked unconscious. I watched his lifeless body float down the river and someone else's as well.

(Extremely worried about dealing with the anxiety, yet I still hold on tightly to my dearly beloved, even if I am the second body floating after him.)

http://dreamstop.com/dream-symbol-boyfriend/

Kinky Animal Rescue / Flower Smokin' Cramps

10/14/2015

FIRST DREAM: (I woke up a lot and remembered a ton of little dreams) (also, I went to bed very horny) ... the first one me and James were in Gram and Brian's house and we were all running a dog rescue. The big pool was still set up there too. Gram was carrying a cat down stairs, pets were all over. Later on me and James were sitting on a bed; I was on my laptop. He then started touching me and I threw my laptop off the bed. He took my shirt off rubbed up on me and licked my nipple. He rubbed his boner down on me making me really wet. Then he took my pants off and started to stick his stiff penis in. It felt so good even in the dream... but then it just stopped and I woke up. We both had woke up at the same time. James went outside our room for a second and I went to the bathroom. I was actually wet from the dream still, and then I realized that I started my period.

SECOND DREAM: I had went back to sleep having horrible cramps. I ended up in my dream with cramps (go figure). Jess was sitting on a couch with all her weed. Grinding and smoking. She had a really small grinder she had me use to fill a pipe to smoke. I think I felt better. She also played a Pearl Jam song on the guitar.

(Flower helps my cramps!)

The rest of my dreams I can't really make out because they were too random. I remember being jealous of a girl because she wanted to be with James. I went grocery shopping for food and had to put it all back because my card didn't work.

(Jealously is my deadly sin. I am scared of running out of money.)

Little Red Devil

10/12/2015

James was a little red devil dog with horns. He was having such a bad anxiety attack that he just self destruct and killed himself... and all I could do was sit and watch with no control. Obviously worried about the anxiety in our relationship.

I was at a college party, I was getting all the young inexperienced kids fucked up. And I witnessed snakes breeding.

Skydive / Loyalty

10/10/2015

Sitting on a dock looking out past the ocean. Me and gram we're going to ride this plane ride and skydive out of it. She chickened out and I got in the front row seat. The guy operating the plane was a fat dude who seemed to know what he was doing. We flew into the sky and I ended up bungee jumping out. The rope was too long and I thought I was going to hit the ground, but I was only inches away and my face and hands went into a rusty can and cut the tips of them.

At one point I was in a mall. Dalton, Eric, and some other random people were in my dream. I hugged everyone and told them I missed them. I use to have a lot of dreams about Dalton so maybe my unconscious missed him in my dreams. But, also I watched this one girl go around and was acting sluty with everyone. She said I was attracted to the soul, and not to the opposite sex. I am very loyal to James in my dreams.

Jack Sparrow

10/09/2015

FIRST DREAM: In the first part of my dream I was kayaking with a bunch of friends down a river. There were rapids and fast currents, I had never kayaked before I made it to the end.

SECOND DREAM: I was standing next to Jack Sparrow (it was night time) I realized I was dreaming so I asked him if he could grant me the power to fly. He said to just say the magic word. I said "up" and I blasted up into the night sky as quick as I could and simply floated back down. I felt like I was on the verge of waking up but I didn't. I then asked if he wanted to hang out. We both went into a house, and he laid down on a bed. I looked at him and his genitals turned into an octopus. Then I woke up.

The Rat

10/06/2015

DREAM 1: I think I was in the animal shelter, Leonard was in my dream. I was trying to catch this rat and put it out of its misery because it had a broken leg. I would stomp on it and do all kinds of horrible things but it wouldn't die. It bit my foot trying to get away. Later on I felt terrible and wanted to find her again and save her.

INTERPRETATION:

"A dream of rats can indicate hidden jealousy, rivalry, and deceit. They can also indicate the presence of disease, filth, and other harmful environmental elements. If you dream of black rats, or being bitten by one, it may indicate you need to see a doctor, or guard against some type of illness. Since dreams of rats often portend hidden treachery, you should also be careful to guard your mental and emotional health as much as your physical well being. That said, if you happen to kill the rats, or dream of a white rat that is not killed, you can either look forward to resolving your problems, or receiving help from an unexpected source." Websource

"No matter whether you dream of one rat or several, they usually indicate that some type of bad luck will soon come your way. That said, if they were white, you may not have as many problems as you thought you would have. It is also important to make note of what happened to the rats. For example, if you killed them, or were able to scare them away, then the jealousy or negativity of others may not have much impact on your life." Websource

DREAM 2: I go outside the front house in Caldwell and see a homeless woman and a dog. I go inside to get a bowl of water and come back out to see them. We must of had our own dog too for it to go outside. The lady was very grateful for the water and started to have a conversation with me. She was tall, white, skinny with long brown hair with a few dreadlocks on the side. Her dog was a little nappy white shitzu. I let them stay by our house for safety and then another homeless kid showed up wanting to stay. They both slept on our roof, and the guy was a rock climber so he stung up all of his gear. Later on I remember walking with a ton of people to that empty dirt lot next to Walgreens and suddenly a ton of police were telling us to stay where we ere and freaking out. I didn't know what was wrong so I ran back to the house and said fuck that. Ended up losing James. Billy followed me inside and our house turned into a different place. I remember seeing Eric and ran up to give him a hug but he was a cop. And very seriously telling me to get off. The last part of the dream I was washing my clothes in a giant washing machine, and I pulled out a little black and pink lacy dress to wear. Eric then walked around the corner looking normally so I thought I was back to reality. I explained to him that he was a cop in my dream and was very rude to me. I wanted to find James but ended up staying to have a drink and eat noodles at this Indian cuisine place. Chris had bought me lunch and left.

Which Path?

10/01/2015

Me and James are riding horses around in Maine. We are in the middle of the woods and keep passing through a group of people building survival forts. There is a man down in a ditch singing and playing the acoustic guitar. I keep asking what everyone is making but no one can hear me. We continue until we've left them.

INTERPRETATION:

I believe my subconscious is telling me that I don't want to regret letting opportunities pass me. Feeling that choosing a life with James means giving up on all the outdoor survival skills I've wanted to learn and the path I would have originally been on. But yet I love him and don't want to let him go.

World Apocalypse

09/30/2015

Me and James were in Hammett with Jason and all his kids (mom was at work). Jason was half passed out in his chair, and he also had a ton of pot. James had left to go home for a second, and I was getting high with the pot I found. James had come back and he was drunk. I stepped outside and saw tons of weird shit. Beasts running around and stampedes of animals. The ground was crumbling apart...

Next thing we knew, we were stuck in the world apocalypse and had no idea where we were. I remember going into this store which was one of the last stores on Earth. James was waiting on me as I looked at stuff. I saw a Puscifer T-shirt I really wanted but someone got it before me. I was basically shirtless for some reason and had to get something to cover myself. I ended up getting a Pikachu tank top. I went to check out and ran into an old girl from my high school, Jessica Ferraro, she looked very fancy for it being the apocalypse. I left the store and couldn't find James. I was terrified being stranded around all kinds of wacked out people, druggies, and tall gangly beasts. We were trying to make our way to Oregon for some reason... I ran into a beast and asked him which way, he pointed me in a direction which ended up being the wrong way (a way to my death).

The Black Goat

09/29/2015

A little black goat bounces around the woods; I let him climb all over me and he climbs on top of my head. He won't get off, and he is stuck to my head. He is awfully cute, but he is a demon and a symbol of death. I don't have much time to live, unless I follow everything the goat say, and then I'll be set free.

Later in the dream... me and James climb to the highest tower (about 13,000 ft.) and jump to our deaths.

INTERPRETATION:

"A  white goat means luck and happiness coming your way, but a black goat is a sign of illness. In general a black goat is a symbol of bad luck, unpleasantness and problems in your family. Dreaming of a graceful black goat means you will be disappointed by your lover. Many black and white goats together are the sign of a formidable luck coming your way." - Auntyflo.com

"When we fall in our dreams it really means we have lost control with some sort of situation in your life. Falling in your dream is a way your unconscious communicates with your conscious to let your know that something needs to be fixed right away. The more you ignore the issue in your life the higher chance you will plummet to your death in your dream." - DreamDictionary.com

"People - Who was with you when you were falling? This helps break down the people in your life that may be causing your stress. If you fall with people you recognize then it suggest that they are in the same situation as them." - DeramDictionary.com