High Fallout Happiness

01/15/2016

This was not a dream, but rather an awakening or realization of how I am always wishing to "go back" to happy times; and how destructive that is to my mind. James and Matt had gone up to Hartford, and I decided to stay home and play my new game, Fallout. James had left a little flower on the desk that I proceeded to vape, and play my game. Flower really unlocks the potential of the mind, yet I can't consciously tell people, or maybe I'm too stubborn. In my game, I was at the part where I was exploring Kellogg's mind in search for information on my missing son, Shaun. It was almost like navigating through a dream state, but rather his old memories. Each scenario led me closer to the answer. What dropped my jaw were these two quotes stated by Kellogg in his mind:

"People always hoping for something better, they usually end up with something worse."

"The thing about happiness is, is you only know you had it and it's gone. I mean, you may think that you're happy, but you don't really believe it. You focus on the petty bullshit, or the next job, or whatever. It's only looking back by comparison with what comes after, that you really understand... that's what happiness felt like."

I replayed his quote several times until I jotted it down in my journal. This was it. This is what my mind has been suffering from. I find myself always wanting more, always wanting better, and forgetting how great my life is in the present. I then dwell in the past, and mourn for those happy times, yet realizing at those times I was unhappy and looking for more then too. So this becomes a vicious cycle of misery, unhappiness, and discontentment. I understand why James smokes, and I understand it's power of contentment, but for some reason I reject it thinking that there has to be something better than that. But, is there? I believe if I lived in a fancy mansion, and went on wicked adventures every other month I would still find something to be discontent about, and that's just how my silly brain works.